My Job Isn't To Be Your Friend

When moving out to the Washington DC area I had one motivation to step out on my own and move away from all that I've ever known. Like every guy that motivation was a girl.

My whole life I've been surrounded by negativity and that anything I try to accomplish would fail. This had been pounded in me since as far as I remember. As I got older and curious about the world outside of everything I’ve known I explored the it. I went to places on my own I drove up to Belleview Iowa, not for any reason just to take a day trip. Then I went further out to places like Chicago. Then there came the opportunity to go to Atlanta, Georgia. That was my wakening experience.
After a few years the world that I known started to break down forced out of a job that really like but always felt that every time I went to work, that was going to be my last day. Then one day it was.

During my time of exploration of the world I meet a girl on a vacation to Washington DC. She was from Trinidad and she was beautiful. Not just outside but her spirit the way she would talk and it seemed that she would truly lesson to you as you talked. I never meet any girl who looked at me the way she did.

But now I am at a loss for words on the way things are now I wish I could meet that girl again and tell her all the things I wanted to say but couldn’t at the time. To tell I feel in love with her the first time we meet. I wouldn’t be saying that not just because I meant it but to move on with my life. To find that joy once again when I first meet her even if it is with someone else.

I've been calling once a week in hope to reestablish our friendship but I never get a return on my calls. But to me it isn't to reestablish but to move on to say all things I've been to afraid to say. From thing that she does that bother me that I find annoying like never retuning call to what is deep in my heart that I think about her all the time. I think about all the special times we spent together some of the times might not mean much to the average person. Just hearing her saying hello to me in passing means a lot to me.

I was trying to write her a letter since I can’t get her on the phone or talk to her in person. But there is so much there in my mind and my heart the words just don’t flow right and it become a mess of jumble thoughts with emotions that go every which way.
Right now I am feeling that way as I write this. So, I will stop for write now so I don’t get off track.

This weekend didn't get to talk to her just a hello in passing. I always feel like I did something wrong but I don't know what it could be because I never see her or get to talk to her spend time with her to even admit that I have done some thing wrong. It just weighs heavy on my mind and my heart. She was my first and only friend when I came out here. Now I feel like I am cursed to be alone.

I look at it this way I got to much going on in my life and I am starting to like myself now. Friendship to me is to much work and I am not getting paid to be any ones friend.

The Turning Point

The part time job that I have, I am not sure that I can really call it that or even full time. But the place that I am at working where I pray to prayers on that my check at the end of the month will cover my bills, and God please get me out of here.
My first job coming out of college and after the first month was driving me crazy. Than just under working there a year being there the greatest thing happen I was fired. So I spent that summer starting over doing what did the semester before I graduated and that was looking for job. This time was going to be different I was going to get that job where the people appreciated my talent and every day let me know it and I would move up in my career I would become a success.

But I am still here back at the job where I was once released of the burden of stress and panic. I didn’t come back because I wanted to, more out of necessity. I have this strange happen that I need a roof over my head a food in my belly. I was back and still not happy praying those two same prayers.

My dream was to come out of school and produce that great epic documentary that would turn heads and pull at every one’s emotions to the point of inspiration. But that is not what had become of me. Like Oakley Hall I search in my mind the name less things. My tragedy and bewilderment is my life no accident or abuse of alcohol or even drugs will give me the redemption to my life so that I can say that I have arrived.

So I look to the path once again to find my turning point to start over again.

Dr. Dorthy I. Height

This past week on April 19, 2010 Dr. Dorthy I. Height passes away at Howard University Hospital at the age 98. She was best know as the president of the National Counsel of Negro Women, but that was only one of her many titles. To many she was a leader, a mother, community activist, and a friend to all she can in contact with.

On the day of Dr. Height’s passing I created a fan site on Facebook and in the few days that it has been up there have been over 1600 other people leaving their thoughts and condolences. As a simple white guy from the Midwest I have admired the life of Dr. Height and from that admiration of I would volunteer for the Black Family Reunion every year that I could. When at the Black Family Reunion I would sneak over to the VIP tent to say hello. For me she was a grand-mother, a friend, and leader from this I was inspired to set up this page as an expression of my love and respect. Little did I know that over 1600 people would join in on this site to share their thoughts and appreciation for her contributions she has made to life.

Dr. Dorthy I. Height FaceBook page

Today May 3, 2016 IS A GREAT DAY

My day started with my car the past few weeks it has not been it's self conked out a few times and had to get a tow to my mechanic. Took it to see him after a hour figured the fuel pump has gone bad. But when you talk about the fuel pump your talking about three things a sensor, filter and pump. Once narrowing it down to that Johnny sent me on my way so he can work on it.
So on my way I got a coffee at the corner bakery and heard to ladies talk about hair. One said she wanted to go natural so she can feel good about her self. I interjected in the conversation and said you should always feel good about your self. She smiled said she was thinking of doing her hair in dreadlocks. I said my vision of mother nature has dreadlocks.
That was a wonderful exchange. As I walked home I think I said good morning to about 7 people.

So to day is a pretty good day.  

DEAR MARIHA / BABY IN THE SUMMER

Mariha Z. Woods
June. 17 - Dec. 2 1991
Dear Mariah
Something special came into my life
A baby so soft so kind
Dear Mariah, you touched my heart
Dear Mariah, you will always be apart of my memories
Such a pretty little girl
A miracle to this world
With a smile on your face
it would be a happy day
Without a worry, life was okay
Dear Mariah, there are tears in my eyes for you
Dear Mariah, I will always miss you
Pictures of you in my head
Wishing you would come back again
Some day I will see you again
Knowing my heart will soon mend
Dear Mariah, I will miss you
Dear Mariah, may God bless you
________________________________________
BABY IN THE SUMMER
She was brought in to this world with smile
She took me by surprise
When she took my glasses and poked me in the eye
She was much to young to make me cry
Baby in the summer
You came when the sun was warmer
But you left me when it got colder
Baby in the summer
Six months was all that you could stay
Even though I prayed that you would stay
I didn’t know anything I liked more
Than baby love
You didn’t know how to lie
Never to make my heart sore
Love like that is hard to find
There is no other love I will ever know
Baby in the summer
You came when the sun was high
But you left when the moon was low
Baby in the summer
Not enough time to test your life
But just enough to change mine
Baby in the summer
Was there another mother you had to find?
Baby in the summer
Was there another family you had to find?
If I had no more tears in my eyes
Will you still be apart of my life?
You will always be my
Baby in the summer
________________________________________

Mariah was very special baby, she was always happy. Mariah was the daughter of a friend of mine. We had a falling out and when I got back I touch with her, she was pregnant with Mariah. Then when we meet again and put the past behind us, Mariah came. When I would go home after work, on my way I would stop to see Mariah. This poem means allot to me it was a time of change in my life. Every time I read it and the tears would swell in my eyes. It always makes me think of all the times I held her. There is nothing to describe the feeling of how special she was.

December 2000
Ten years later I still think of her and what she would be like today. I remember the day that her mom called me; I don’t remember crying so hard. Years later I would go out to elderly home to read my poems. I would read poems that I thought the people would like, and one of them I chose was DEAR MARIAH When I started reading the poem; I just started crying like it happened yesterday. I think about those days, and it leaves warmness in my heart.


©2010 Thomas Dooley

Ring Ceremony

I posted in my blog about my Trip to India that I took last October 2014. I also documented it in a book of the same name that I had published on Mixbook. It was a life changing experience for me. Went to Mt Abu, India to the head quarters for the Brahma Kumaris where I meet many of the elders of the organization every one there made me feel welcomed and as if I had returned home.
There is so much I could say about my time there but there is one moment that I really want to talk about. It was the ring ceremony this was a time when all the first time Double Foreigners (name for those who come to other countries) would be given a ring the symbol of your commitment to God to allow your self to be loved because love is more powerful the ego. For me it was a personal moment to think of why I came here and what changes I want to make for myself deep inside. I would reflect on the love I had experienced. But I felt I took the experience more personal than most. As I waited to get my ring from the sister who was conducting the ceremony I thought about what this truly means and to feel God's presents in the moment. Up to the time I got the ring it was a struggle to focus on the true meaning of the event.
To describe it, it was a mix between a Trinidad wedding and a graduation every one was up getting pictures people stoping to pose with banner for the ceremony.
The sister placed the ring on my finger and gave a moment of drishti  where you look into each others eyes giving pure feel and good wishes.  It is a wonderful practice and expression of love, I would always tear up from a deep moment of drishti.
My mind was so much in the moment that I didn't know that some of the sisters from the center in Washington DC took my pictures during the ceremony. I didn't realized it until they shown me the photos after.

 

Movies

Ever since I was a kid I can remember in school the teacher bringing in the 8mm projector. I would get excited about what we might see a cartoon, a documentary it didn't really matter it was a film a moment to set out of the classroom and into our minds.

Then there was the drive-in movies a night watching the movie from the back of the station-wagon my dad would park it with the back to the screen where us kids can lay in the back and the parents can sit in the folding chars.

Years later the drive-in turned into a multiplex theater. Where during the summer when off of school I would go there and for $2 for the movie I intended to see as I would wait for the movie I would hop from theater to theater and see parts of other movies.

Today I am not able to do that today don't have the time or patents for it. I don't know if it is because I am older or just have more appreciation for the movies in general. So much has changed now these multiplex have become more of amusement park with the video games to was time and to numb you brain to the big budget reboot (because Hollywood can't think of any thing new).
The food has changed too. There is more of it and things I would not associate with movies unless I was at home. I stick to the basic movie food popcorn, candy and a soda. But even with these basics I had to change my movie routine. I no longer get the butter flavoring witch I think is really some kind petroleum lubricant.  Even with that I might have to stop with the popcorn all together who know what they put on it to pop it. Even now after getting back from a movie I still feel gas after my day of other meals came out of me in liquid form.

Lets not get started on the prices...

But all in all I like the movies.